Berners possess a quiet dignity
I'd like to tell you a funny story about Sweetie (Sweet Tart). The kids' elementary school decided to hold a fundraiser for the local Animal Shelter. There were different categories, and each category cost one dollar to enter. One category was to submit a picture of your dog, which of course we did. (Everyone was a winner.) The second category was the Pawsitively Tricky category, where your dog does a trick. Libby (our kindergartener) decided she wanted to enter with Sweetie. Her trick? Libby has discovered that if she scratches Sweetie's tummy her hind leg will shake. So Libby went up in front of everyone, with Sweetie on the leash. Of course, Libby is 38 pounds and Sweetie is probably 85 now. They wrapped the leash around the library lady, who was running the show, and they all got tangled. It was a fiasco. Then I went up there and got Sweetie to sit, at which point Libby jumped into action and started scratching her tummy. On cue, the hind leg started thumping up and down, and the crowd cheered! Of course, Libby thinks our dog is the only dog in the world who can do this amazing trick! It was hysterical.

But there's more. Every dog that competed got a prize and a ribbon that says, "Top Dog." Libby went in the school to pick out a prize. She came out with a dog sweater, size small! I just laughed. With all that fur, Sweetie would be tortured if we put a dog sweater on her, especially size small! So we went in and exchanged it for some doggie treats, which were promptly inhaled. It was a wonderful day!

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
--Mark Twain

  1. Thought the house was too orderly
  2. Don't like having a full nights sleep
  3. Wanted my Vet to get a new BMW
  4. Thought the furniture looked too nice
  5. Love the sounds of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, midnight, predawn, etc.
  6. Love the smell of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, midnight, predawn, etc.
  7. Neighbors didn't complain enough
  8. Kids weren't enough of a challenge
  9. If you can train & show one dog, why not five?
  10. Wanted to see if spouse really meant those vows

    Q: Why don't dogs make good dancers?
    A: Because they have two left feet!

    Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
    A: He stole the show!

    Q: Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat?
    A: Cats can't drive!

    Q: How do you catch a runaway dog?
    A: Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!

    A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. --Ogden Nash

    Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend. --Corey Ford, American writer

    Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative. --Mordecai Siegal, Contemporary Writer

    Being patted is what it is all about. --Roger Caras

    They are better than human beings, because they know but do not tell. -Emily Dickenson

    A boy went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather. "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied...."Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them - so go on and finish your meal."

    That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

    Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now, don't ask me about it anymore!"

    Later that afternoon, as the man was on his way out to get the paper, the dog was laying in front of the door, blocking his exit. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," he complained.

    Without diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, move!"

    1. If I like it, it's mine.
    2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
    3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
    4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
    5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
    6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
    7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
    8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
    9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
    10. If it's broken, it's yours.

    It was a slow day in heaven so God phoned Satan to see what was going on down there.
    "It's slow here, too", said Satan
    "Well," God said, "I think a dog show might be fun."
    "Sounds good," says Satan, "But why are you calling me? You've got all the dogs up there."
    "I know," answered God, "But you've got all the judges."

    Dictionary for Dogs

    LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar to take your person with you wherever you want to go.

    DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

    DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. Proper droolers approach food target with sad, starving eyes and let the drool slowly fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

    SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs or those people that sometimes smell like dogs. Proper sniffers place your nose as close as you can to the aromatic area and inhale deeply, repeat several times until your person makes you stop.

    GARBAGE CAN: A container filled with toys and food sealed to test your ingenuity.

    DEAFNESS: Recurring malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

    THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end, sometimes in association with thunderstorms. Humans often seem unaware during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by barking, trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

    WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When bored, turn over the basket and strew the dog toys all over the house until your person comes home. This is particularly fun to do when there are guests for dinner and you present them the contents of the special bathroom wastepaper basket.

    BATH: This is a process by which the humans wash floors, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

    LEAN: Every good Berner's response to the command "Sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

    BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

    GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff.


    I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Rita Rudner

    A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. Robert Benchley

    My dog is worried about the economy. Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. Joe Weinstein

    If you think dogs can't count, try putting three treats in your pocket and then giving Katja only two of them.

    The Baptist Dog
    A Baptist couple felt it important to own an equally Baptist pet, so they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in Baptist dogs, they found one they liked a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did so in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with incredible dexterity. Impressed, they purchased the animal and went home. That night, they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Baptist dog and his skills that they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog could do any of the usual dog tricks as well.

    This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought of normal dog tricks. "Well," they said, "let's try it out." Once more they called the dog in and they clearly pronounced the command, "heel!"
    Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head...
    It was then that the couple realized they'd been deceived and defrauded.
    Obviously, the dog was Pentecostal.

"The dog was created specially for children.
He is the god of frolic."
--Henry Ward Beecher

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who have not got the guts to bite people themselves."
--August Strindberg

"A watchdog is a dog kept to guard your home, usually by sleeping where a burglar would awaken the household by falling over him."

"There is only one smartest dog in the world, and every boy has it."

"Every dog may have his day, but it's the puppies that have the weakends."

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
--Rita Rudner

"Happiness is a warm puppy."
--Charles Schulz

You can run with the big dogs or sit on the porch and bark.
--Wallace Arnold

The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself, too.
--Samuel Butler

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
--Patrick age 10 Advice from Kids

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as much as the dog does."
--Christopher Morley

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
--Andrew A. Rooney

"If your dog doesn't like someone you probably shouldn't either."

"In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn't merely try to train him to be semihuman. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog."
--Edward Hoagland

"A piece of grass a day keeps the vet away"
--Unknown Dog

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
--Roger Caras

"There is no faith which has never yet been broken except that of a truly faithful dog."

--Konrad Lorenz

One reason the dog has so many friends: He wags his tail instead of his tongue.

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
--Aldous Leonard Huxley

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
--Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
--Dave Barry

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
--Josh Billings

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."

"The more people I meet the more I like my dog"

"No Matter how little money and how few possessions, you own, having a dog makes you rich."
--Louis Sabin

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
--Josh Billings

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
--Dave Barry

"To his dog, every man is Napolean, hence the constant popularity of dogs."
--Aldous Huxley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy

"A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk."
--O. A. Battista

"It's no coincidence that man's best friend cannot talk."

"Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job."
--Franklin P. Jones

"You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us."
--Robert Louis Stevenson

"Any time you think you have influence, try ordering around someone else's dog."
--The Cockle Bur